Getting my mind right...

I am so blessed to have a trainer that not only cares for me and my team as far as our health and weigh loss but one who cares about us as a whole. She really observes her team and pours herself into us-- she loves us enough to tell us things that benefit us when we need it most.

So my mind has not been right. Overall- I will say I have done really well with staying positive throughout the challenge. I think if I were to compare myself to how I thought/acted this time last year, I would have no choice but to say that I have grown tremendously. But sometime in the last 2 weeks perhaps- my mind has shifted. When I was not in the top 5 for % lost- I would be devastated and just get so negative.  I became obsessed with winning.  Yes- I still would like to win mainly because I really want a bike and cannot afford one other wise but my mind was in the wrong place and I am so thankful for a little help in getting back to where I need to be; not so that I can win the program but so I can say that I gave it my all and have won the battle in my mind that has been an issue for almost all of my life.

The bike... not going to lie... would make me incredibly happy. But the weight. The poor self image. The feeling of not being worth anything. All of those things, that baggage, that I have carried around for my whole life- are quickly fading away. That is what is the real prize. The real prize is overcoming where I was and breaking the bondage that had such a tight grip on me before. Thank GOD I entered this program and I am learning to love me--who I was, who I am and who I am becoming; bike-less or not. :) 

I am praying to God that Katie (my trainer) does not get upset that I post some of her message that she sent to me. It was very personal but it really set me free and as I re-read it and meditate on it- it continues to set my mind and spirit free. Katie- I know you read this sometimes- so please for give me but in my heart I feel like there are people who read this that will be set free from this as well. It was meant for me but it is so applicable to each and every person in each and every struggle or strong hold in your life. Katie... thank you. 

"Positive thoughts bring positive results. Negative thoughts, low self esteem, blame, shame, fear are what have led to the negative path your life has been on up until now. Take control of your thoughts before it's too late. It's time to let go of it all. Let go of the negativity, the should do wish I could or wish I was. Let go of all the pain. Don't waste time. Be the person you want to be right now. Be happy, be positive, make every thought, action and word you speak positive and your results will be positive.  I could list a million reasons why I think you are great but it doesn't mean anything until you start to believe it in yourself and project it to everyone. Who cares about the top 5- you've changed your whole life, made a new group of truly supportive friends, learned how to eat well, exercise and continue to do so.  When your head is right you'll be able to accomplish anything. You only get one life so don't waste a minute of it not being happy or at least trying to be happy.  And if all else fails do something for somebody less fortunate than you."   W0w- what an incredibly wise and encouraging woman. 

Weigh in update-

I lost 2.6 pounds this week for a total of 32.6.    117.4 pounds left to go until I reach my goal.

I have such a large goal but I have set some smaller goals to help me along the way. I have selected pieces of clothing to help. About 3 weeks ago I bought a yoga coat on sale at old navy. It is a L. I have worn XXL clothes at ON for as long as I can remember but I bought it as a goal and I can now wear it!! What a good feeling!  So today I was at goodwill and decided to look for more goal clothes- I got two really nice work out shirts (nike and columbia)- one is a small and one a medium so those will be hung up to motivate me now. :) 

This past weekend was the NYC marathon- me, along with a few team mates, decided that we are going to do it next year! (gotta start saving pennies now!) We have set some small goals along the way. This coming thursday, our team is running the James Island Festival of Lights Run- 2 miles. I am so excited about the christmas lights and being with my team! Then that saturday, Katie Miller and I will be doing a 5K in Mt. Pleasant! I am so blessed to have the chance to run with one of my dearest friends and encouragers! :) Then THANKSGIVING!! Then back here for the Reindeer Run. My midway point goal will be the Bridge run 10K. Very excited and thankful.

Another thing Katie had me do was list 10 ways my life has changed because of the program and then 10 things I have always criticized myself about in the past/currently and then change them to a positive. Some of these are extremely personal.... I have really debated on putting them on... but you know what transparency inspires.... and I am trusting with my heart. I am thankful to a God who gives grace and uses my struggles- and one thing I do know is when you are open, trusting and completely transparent/honest-- you are able to heal and overcome a lot better. Here is my trusting to anyone to stumbles across this page..

Ten Ways My Life Has Changed for the Better during this program:

1) I am happier than I have ever been.

2) I am starting to love myself and my life.

3) I am not struggling with depression like I was - no longer take anti depressants, thoughts of not wanting to live, etc. I am happy to be alive and be me.

4) I am doing things that I never thought I could/would do but always wanted to (run, do future events such as triathlon etc.) - building belief in myself.

5) I have found that I can inspire people and motivate people- I always thought I was a no body who would never be used. 

6) I am motivated and excited about something for the first time in a long time.

7) I have met amazing friends who encourage me and support me through our team & found how much others outside of the team are a support system.

8) No longer feeling trapped in circumstances: I am breaking the bondage that being fat has had on me and my mom.

9) I have gained the ability to help others and encourage others become healthy and overcome things they don't like about themselves.

10)  I am stronger physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. 

Ten Criticisms to Positives

1) I am worthless and never good enough for anything. -- I am good enough & of priceless worth. I am improving every single day.

2) No one loves me; I am never going to get married. -- I am learning to love myself which will help people love me and help me love others. When I love myself, my spouse will come soon after.

3) I am fat and ugly -- I am a beautiful child of God created in his image inside and out. I am working hard every single day to be my best healthy self.

4) I am stupid-  I am becoming stronger in mind and body. I am developing a positive mental attitude that can help me achieve all things.

5) I am a disappointment to my family -- my family was proud of me before and they are thankful that I am now choosing to become the best me possible. 

6) I am lazy -- I am full of energy all the time and always take advantage of time to be productive and active!

7) I wear huge  clothes- I am shrinking every single day that I work out and eat right! I am working to be happy with my size. I'm slim and fit.

8) I hate the way my stomach looks- My stomach is getting smaller and firmer every day I work out and eat right.

9) I hate the way my skin looks- As I become healthier inside and out, my skin will become healthier too.

10) I hate how fat my legs/thighs are- My legs are getting thinner and stronger every day I work out. 

11) I don't believe in myself - Every day I take action and work on myself I build belief in who I am and that I am capable of all things of JC who gives me strength.

There you go... the real me. 

Thanks for loving and reading!

Fitness/Strength Progress:

Last week-- Mile time was 13.42 /Stair time was 28 seconds

This week-- Mile time was 12.51/Stair time was 24 seconds

Making improvements!  :)